Friday, 01 February 2013
So if the ties that bind ever do come loose tie 'em in a knot like a hangman's noose 'Cause I'll go to heaven or I'll go to hell
before I'll see you with someone else.
The heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on the close; as the sunflower turns on her God when he sets the same look that she turned when he rose.
You build your world around someone, and then what happens when he disappears? Where do you go - into pieces, into atoms, into the arms of another man? You go shopping, you cook dinner, you work odd hours, you make love to someone else on June nights. But you're not really there, you're someplace else where there is blue sky and a road you don't recognize. If you squint your eyes, you think you see him, in the shadows, beyond the trees. You always imagine that you see him, but he's never there. It's only his spirit, that's what's beneath the bed when you kiss your husband, there when you send your daughter off to school. It's in your coffee cup, your bath water, your tears. Unfinished buisness always comes back to haunt you, and a man who swears he'll love you forever isn't finished with you until he's done.
I'll always want him. Until every sun goes dark in every sky, until I am nothing more than long-forgotten cosmic dust, I will want him. And even then I suspect my particles will long for his.
You've left me with such a silent world. The evenings are calm but I'm restless, and my breath has become as thin as the wind. Not even the mighty sky can fill the space you've left behind, not even when it rains.
“Sixteen years on the streets and you can learn a lot. But all the wrong things, not the things you want to learn. Sixteen years on the streets and you see a lot. But all the wrong sights, not the things you want to see.” - The Outsiders
Put me in the ground Put me six foot down And let the stone say: "Here lies the girl whose only crutch was loving one man just a little too much" If you go before I do I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two.
“You take up for your buddies, no matter what they do. When you're a gang, you stick up for the members. If you don't stick up for them, stick together, make like brothers, it isn't a gang anymore. It's a pack. A snarling, distrustful, bickering park like the Socs in their social clubs or the street gangs in New York or the wolves in the timber.” - The Outsiders
- Germany, I took this pic.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay. - Robert Frost
You know, if there were gangs around like in the old days, I'd be running things, not you. You'd be second lieutenant. You might have gotten by for a while on the Motorcycle Boy's rep, but you have to be smart to run things. You ain't got your brother's brains. It's nothing personal, Rusty James, but nobody would follow you into a fight because you'd get people killed - and nobody wants to be killed.- Rumble Fish
Well, it won't be whiskey, won't be meth It'll be your name on my last breath If divorce or death ever do us part the coroner will call it a broken heart.
“I guess I just couldn't see standing there -- alive, talking, thinking, breathing, being -- one second, and dead the next. It really bothered me. Death by violence isn't the same as dying any other way, accident or disease or old age. It just ain't the same.” - That was then, this is now.
Heavy stone right next to mine, we'll be together 'til the end of time. Don't you go before I do, I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two. I told you on the day we wed I was gonna love you 'til I's dead.
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger, I've never known the lovin' of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand, There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever, Who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life.
If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, Sink me in the river at dawn, Send me away with the words of a love song.
Go with peace and love.
Forever young means you. Everything means you. You're birthday is this sunday Feb 3rd. You would have been 21.. I picture us with drinks in our hands talking to each other at a bar saying "man... these past years.. I can't believe we ever made it." Instead, I will be talking to your headstone. You always told me you wanted to marry me and I always dreamed about that day it could have killed me. I pictured you waiting for me as I was walked down the aisle all dressed in white by my father.. I always imagined the look on your face once you saw me and reality hit that we would actually be getting married. I always wondered if you would have smiled and if your eyes would have lit up or if you would have took on running saying " I'm sorry Jaime, you know me darling, I just got to go." I picture what are kids would look like and be like and how you would have been an amazing father. I picture us as newlyweds and just getting the chance to say " This is my husband, my highschool sweetheart." Remember how we used to talk about how we would sit on the porch of a house in rocking chairs looking at our kids with our grandkids and telling them the same story we would have told our kids about how we met. That was our dream.. nothing special.. no big house, no swimming pool, no mansion, no fancy cars... just real unconditonal love. We had that and I miss it. Remember how when we kissed when we were 16 and our lips literally sparked because we were dragging our feet on the carpet.. it shocked us both. How we would run away from class and hide in the woods and just roam around free. Finding waterfalls and rivers and being in the woods.. making rafts out of logs and floating downt he river. Building bridges... climbing high trees and making a fire. I remember everything and I hope I never forget .. how it felt to be around you. How you moved so graciously and how you talked effortesly like I never could. We were both oppoistes yet we attracted. I remember how you chipped your tooth when we were hiding from your stepdad under the cement balcony! You got knocked out and I just couldn't stop laughing! I remember the good times. I also remember the bad times and the pain when you would leave. It was my greatest fear... you disappearing for many nights.. many moons. It's been a year Ry.. and I fear if you were ever real at all. I have photos.. I have my memories.. my thoughts.. my writings. I don't feel your presence anymore. I can't cry anymore. I shut down real good this time and you are no where near to help me stay sane. I fear I have lost complete and utter sanity.
Saturday, 05 May 2012
I spoke to soon, it seems, for you made a home in my dreams. While I slept you kept running yourself through my head, Like,"I won't be dead yet," I said,"You don't understand. We had no control. They stole it; love's been so unfair to me."But see, boy, that's my point. You must move on." Then felt her ghost move in me. I heard her voice call out my name but this time it faded out- away. "I'll bury it today."
And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs "THE CEREMONY WAS NOT PROPER, THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE, AND WHO PICKED THE MUSIC? THOSE MELODIES ALMOST MADE ME PHYSICALLY SICK."
But you can set sail to the west if you want to and past the horizon till I can't even see you far from here where the beaches are wide just leave my your wake to remember you by.
I live to let you shine.
I will be the rising moon after setting sun just to let you know that you always have someone, I will be the clearest day when the rain is done, so you will always know.
I carry your heart with me; I carry it in my heart. I am never without it.- " I carry your heart" by E.E Cummings
I will never say goodbye to you because if I say goodbye then that's it that's goodbye.
It takes strenth to live and to be firm and it takes courage to be gentle. It takes strength to conquer and it takes courage to surrender. It takes strength to be certain and it takes courage to have doubt. It takes strength to fit in and it takes courage to stand out. It takes strength to feel a friends pain and it takes courage to feel your own pain. It takes strength to endure abuse and it takes courage to stop it. It takes strength to stand alone and it takes courage to lean on another. It takes strength to love and it takes courage to be loved. It takes strength to survive and it takes courage to live.
I hate myself when I'm away from you. I am so sorry. Please don't hate me too.
I'd rather believe in this beautiful lie than admit you're really gone forever. It feels like, if I hold my breath, you'll walk in any second. And tell me, it was all a mistake; can't believe that you left. And it hurts me to hold you this close, but hurts me more to let go. That's why I'm still loving ghosts.
This is not what I intended. I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger; Imay have failed, but I have loved you from the start.
Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. - Stephen King
I feel the need to swing away from constant explanations. I want to run away from too much consciousness, too much awareness. At night, I seek dancing, friendships, nature, forgetfulness,music, or sleep.
You constantly look for a sign and when it's given to you and you don't like the answer, you call it a coincidence. There are no coincidences.
My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.
^ This is Alredo Codona and Lillian Leitzel were two of the most famous circus performers in 1930. Their life stories, however, were marred by tragedies related to their work.
Circus in America provides the background:
Codona truly did "fly through the air with the greatest of ease." Every bit as much at home in mid-air as he was with his feet on the ground, he appeared with the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus for twenty years before he retired in 1934 [caused by a devastating injury while performing on a very high wire].
On his trapeze, he was almost continuously in motion, a relaxed and fluid blur of triple somersaults and double pirouette returns that displayed his brilliant perfectionism. It was said that the graceful beauty of his movement and the dreams he inspired often moved the spectators below to tears. The story of his obsessive love for the Queen of the Air, Lillian Leitzel, is a tragic circus legend.
Lillian Leitzel was another aerialist star for the Ringling show...who captured the imagination of her audiences. For the second and more famous half of her act, Leitzel worked on the web, a single length of rope, or corde lisse, high onto which a loop was attached with a swivel.
She inserted her right wrist into the loop and began a series of planges, throwing her whole body over her shoulder for up to 239 revolutions. It was an incredible test of strength and endurance, if not grace.
The drums rolled, and the crowd counted out each one ... Lillian was loved for her grace on the rings and her strength and determination in the web act, a love only magnified by her reputation for childish temper tantrums and her disdain for the many men who chased her. [She had] her own private railroad car equipped with a piano, an unheard-of luxury for a performer. And in Lillian's turn, she came to love more than anything else her work and Alfredo Codona.
They were married on July 20, 1928, but less than three years later, Lillian fell from the web on which she was performing in Denmark and died shortly afterwards. Frank McClosky, the same man who would later become an owner of the Beatty-Cole show, was her rigger at the time. He pointed out how the excessive strain of the planges had caused an invisible crystallization of the metal swivel and resulted in the fall.
Codona was devastated. He remarried two years later [to Vera Bruce], but he would never recover from the loss of his beloved Lillian.
In 1933, while performing a very dangerous high-wire act, Alfredo was also injured. He was forced to retire the following year.
Despondent over his personal situation, Codona committed suicide in Long Beach, California on July 30, 1937. Circus in America provides more information about Codona's last actions:
...on July 31, 1937, he walked into a lawyer's office where he was to discuss a divorce from his second wife. Instead, he pulled out a revolver and shot both her and himself to death.
We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea. I look up to the sky, there mya be nothing there to see. But if I don't believe in him, why would he believe in me?
I wish I could undo everthing I did that made me lose you.
Ryan I read what Kara wrote yesterday and it was truly beautiful. "never thought i'd miss you till you left, never thought i'd need you till you slept. and how badly i wanted to shake you.. anything, just to wake you. family just doesnt mean enough, they pull you through when things get rough. but what happens when we aren't that tough. this mental distortion and permanent grudge, revealing the blind eye that couldnt judge. this is unconditional love."
My heart is still buried with you.
Friday, 23 March 2012
The Summer of 2008, was the summer I grew up.
I am not going to tell you my name, for in reality you wouldnt care. Lets just say im that girl in your class that sits back row in a desk isolated from others. That girl who yelled at you to move out of her way because she had a place to go, a place to belong. My story starts when I was thriteen, the time when everything fell apart. Just moved into a house with a new stepdad and a new town. I was then, the girl who hated everyone and who put up a wall noone could overcome. I have been backstabbed by friends, pushed down stairs, and jumped for money. I turned into a wall that year. People would speak to me, but I wouldn't acknowlege them, couldnt hear them, I was deep within my self. I prayed every night for someone to save me.
I first saw him in science class 9th grade, the one who changed my life forever. He won me over by his smile, his heart, and his courage. He was the joker of the class. We became friends, but he never let me in. He had a wall up, like me, but it wasnt so bad. He was still happy, but the worst thing was him trying to impress his friends. His friends were the reason why he didnt want to be seen with me. Time passed and we grew apart, like everyone else. Then came the summer of Junior year, the year i found myself. Me and ** were always together, like peanut butter and jelly. He always reminded me of a young pony. So graceful, curious, yet brave and sensitive, but strong. We would run threw fields of flowers, forever hand in hand. There would be late night talks and staring at the stars. That summer he really opened up to me and i will never forget it. He would tell me, between cigerattes, his past. Twice I even saw my beautiful boy cry. He grew up not knowing love or affection, yet he could still see summer skys and sunsets. He still could see joy threw pain. He was my hero! My brave knight. That boy even saved my life a few times.
True love is unexplainable, you cant understand it if you never felt it. Its like trying to explain an ocean if you never even seen a puddle. As I weep now for those summer days to come back once more, as I weep for the hand that brushed gently past my face. I fear I will never see the boy I fell in love with again. **** was changing day by day. His mind was tempted by wonders, temptation bursting inside his young heart. And It finally overcame his love for me that day of september 13th. **** would think less and less of me and the love we shared. I was naive then, thinking love could conquer anything. I was wrong.
We would always fight, and I could always see the fire in his eyes flicker. That spirit I saw in him was fading, and I hoped I could save him, like he saved me. He has hidding himself, and numbing **** took over my love's body. In ****place stood a bleak, lifeless, hopeless man. A mere desolate creature. I will never know the true feelings **** has anymore. I will never see his real self again. But I am glad I got to be by his side over the summer, even if it was a short time.
And yet It scares me, the path he is leading, for I know **** will never open up again. I will never have my security.
Then and still now **** is my home. The love, trust, and affection I've held back so long, was found in him. And no matter how he is now, he will always and forever be my other half. The last conversation I will never forget, before he went back into a darkness, blacker than outerspace, was about the hole. The hole, I was stuck in so long ago at age thirteen. The hole that many teenagers never escape from. And the last words off of my boy's lips were " I've been there my whole fucking life".
I am going to be forever wondering what happened to **** **** *******.
Just a little of my writing from 2008. Who would have figured its 2012 now and crazy shit has happened.
What do I do now that you're gone. No back up plan, no second chance and no one else to blame. All I can hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn't say.
I love you in a way that cripples me. Leaving you behind, you leaving me behind, those are thoughts that leave me reeling with worry. I am the moss that has grown onto a tree, you. I can't exist without you.
The record on the stereo played her favorite song for two whole days, and the track stretched out for miles and miles. What she'd give for one more smile, and how she hoped he missed her, cause God she missed how he would kiss her.
You left your Bible on the dresser so I put it in a drawer because I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore. And when I sit at your piano, I can almost hear the hymns. The keys are collecting dust, but I can't close the lid.
The loneliness of my independence sinks deep into my blood. It rushes through my veins with a fierce, pulsing refrain: you are alone, it whispers, you are all alone.
I whisper your name when I get cold at night, wishing you'd wrap your arms around me and put your feet on mine like you sometimes did. And I know I've been drinking too much, and the drugs you told me never to try don't really keep the same company as they all promised me. They could never take the place of you in my head. In my eart. Nothing ever could. No one ever will.
I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I've memorized your face and the way that you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine.
In my memory, I wrote you down in ink. I never want to erase your story, even with the tragedy it brings.
Then one day, you stopped calling. I figured it was a phase, but then I saw you. You never said hi, but you were high. I could tell that you traded me in for your addiction.
I hate everything you've ever said to me, compliments, insults, everything, why did you have to walk into my life? and if you absolutely had to, why couldn't you have stayed?
If there is anything I have learned in falling in love with you, it's that if we were to ever go our seperate ways and I was married to the 'man of my dreams' if I ever saw you or looked into your deep brown eyes, I'd still remember and feel everything I felt when our love was so alive. What I'm saying is, I will always love you, even if we don't last forever, our love will.
And though I've gone away I still see what you're going through It kills me everyday to know I killed what meant most to you so when you pass my grave leave a rose for what might have been.
Ryan I miss you. Simple as that and as complicated as that. I love you. It's been four months and I still can't believe it. I don't think I will ever believe it. I miss what you used to say, how you moved and walked and gave hugs and talked. I miss everything about you. You were flawless to me. You still are. You are everything to me. Every step I go through life now I will forever take you with me and you will be apart of everything I do here until it is my time to go. I will bring you up everyday.. all of my acomplishments will be because of you. I still feel you around me. You still give me strength. Like I told a friend it feels like your in the same body as me now. lol. Like taking over! I do things you used to do! I say things you used to say. I feel like I think like you sometimes. You were the most amazing man I ever met in my life. I am so GRATEFUL for having the chance to know you. All those years we spent together I never regret it. I still wish I had more time with you, like infinity. I will see you again someday my love. - your fiance
Monday, 12 March 2012
Fight the addiction.
There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.
People think they know you. They think they know you're handling a situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfeast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know whats going on inside your head- the mind -numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.
I know you guys wil pass me in life. You and all of my friends will go on and get married and have kids and a good job and I'll just be stuck in December 2011. It was taken away from me. Everything. The ghost of a man I once knew. Oh how he haunts me. At every turn, every corner. Looking back and looking forward.
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars? If along the way you are grown weary you can rest with me until a brighter day and you're OK.
I am no superman. I have no answers for you. I am no hero, oh that's for sure. But I do know one thing. Where you are is where I belong. I do know where you go is where I want to be.
What If I can't be all that you need me to be. We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep. But my addiction it can be such a detriment. Please believe in this my dear, i am more then penitent. What if everything's just the way that it will be. Could it be that I am meant to cause you all of this greif. My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart. And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start.
Memories are killing. So you must not think of certain things, of those that are dear to you, or rather you must think of them, for if you don't there is the danger of finding them, in your mind, little by little.
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back. The less I give the more I get back. Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise. I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you.
When she was just a girl she expected the world but it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy. The wheel breaks the butterfly every tear a waterfall in the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dreams of paradise.
Baby why'd you leave me Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I can't even breathe. It's like I'm looking from a distance. Standing in the background. Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now. This can't be happening to me. This is just a dream.
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt. Then the congregation all stood up and sang The saddest song that she ever heard.
I wanna sleep with you forever and I wanna die in your arms in a cbin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm.
To what day till I see sunrays upon your face I dream of you the way you look the beating of love in your heart your words are like the flowing of a spring, knowing thy love waits for me until eternity's end. Is this poetry or Is this loves sickness engulfing my every being take the heart from you and the blood ceases from me. I see waht you hear. Laying their clutching hands so tight I can feel your heart telling me it will be alright ascension to heaven where this love can not only walk but it runs through endless fields of joy where love neither ends nor begins but flows everlasting this was thy dream this daybreak and will be my prayer that I will rest sleepless till the sun rises on that day and butterflies sing with us as we write love symphony the pages of life fill the story of our love in a time long ago where fairy tales come true and you and I my love will live happily ever after. I love you.
We were high we were low but I promise I will never let you go said I got your back boy.