Friday, 23 March 2012

• Finding you.

  

  What do I do now that you're gone. No back up plan, no second chance and no one else to blame. All I can hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn't say.

  

  I love you in a way that cripples me. Leaving you behind, you leaving me behind, those are thoughts that leave me reeling with worry. I am the moss that has grown onto a tree, you. I can't exist without you.

  

  The record on the stereo played her favorite song for two whole days, and the track stretched out for miles and miles. What she'd give for one more smile, and how she hoped he missed her, cause God she missed how he would kiss her.

  

  You left your Bible on the dresser so I put it in a drawer because I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore. And when I sit at your piano, I can almost hear the hymns. The keys are collecting dust, but I can't close the lid.

  The loneliness of my independence sinks deep into my blood. It rushes through my veins with a fierce, pulsing refrain: you are alone, it whispers, you are all alone.

  

  I whisper your name when I get cold at night, wishing you'd wrap your arms around me and put your feet on mine like you sometimes did. And I know I've been drinking too much, and the drugs you told me never to try don't really keep the same company as they all promised me. They could never take the place of you in my head. In my eart. Nothing ever could. No one ever will.

  I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I've memorized your face and the way that you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine.

  

  In my memory, I wrote you down in ink. I never want to erase your story, even with the tragedy it brings.

  Then one day, you stopped calling. I figured it was a phase, but then I saw you. You never said hi, but you were high. I could tell that you traded me in for your addiction.

  

  I hate everything you've ever said to me, compliments, insults, everything, why did you have to walk into my life? and if you absolutely had to, why couldn't you have stayed?

  If there is anything I have learned in falling in love with you, it's that if we were to ever go our seperate ways and I was married to the 'man of my dreams' if I ever saw you or looked into your deep brown eyes, I'd still remember and feel everything I felt when our love was so alive. What I'm saying is, I will always love you, even if we don't last forever, our love will.

  

  And though I've gone away I still see what you're going through It kills me everyday to know I killed what meant most to you so when you pass my grave leave a rose for what might have been.

  

  Ryan I miss you. Simple as that and as complicated as that. I love you. It's been four months and I still can't believe it. I don't think I will ever believe it. I miss what you used to say, how you moved and walked and gave hugs and talked. I miss everything about you. You were flawless to me. You still are. You are everything to me. Every step I go through life now I will forever take you with me and you will be apart of everything I do here until it is my time to go. I will bring you up everyday.. all of my acomplishments will be because of you. I still feel you around me. You still give me strength. Like I told a friend it feels like your in the same body as me now. lol. Like taking over! I do things you used to do! I say things you used to say. I feel like I think like you sometimes. You were the most amazing man I ever met in my life. I am so GRATEFUL for having the chance to know you. All those years we spent together I never regret it. I still wish I had more time with you, like infinity. I will see you again someday my love. - your fiance

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