jaimecaitlyn's Xanga

Better dig two.

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 07:20:56 GMT

So if the ties that bind ever do come loose tie 'em in a knot like a hangman's noose 'Cause I'll go to heaven or I'll go to hell
before I'll see you with someone else.

The heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on the close; as the sunflower turns on her God when he sets the same look that she turned when he rose.

You build your world around someone, and then what happens when he disappears? Where do you go - into pieces, into atoms, into the arms of another man? You go shopping, you cook dinner, you work odd hours, you make love to someone else on June nights. But you're not really there, you're someplace else where there is blue sky and a road you don't recognize. If you squint your eyes, you think you see him, in the shadows, beyond the trees. You always imagine that you see him, but he's never there. It's only his spirit, that's what's beneath the bed when you kiss your husband, there when you send your daughter off to school. It's in your coffee cup, your bath water, your tears. Unfinished buisness always comes back to haunt you, and a man who swears he'll love you forever isn't finished with you until he's done.

I'll always want him. Until every sun goes dark in every sky, until I am nothing more than long-forgotten cosmic dust, I will want him. And even then I suspect my particles will long for his.

You've left me with such a silent world. The evenings are calm but I'm restless, and my breath has become as thin as the wind. Not even the mighty sky can fill the space you've left behind, not even when it rains.

“Sixteen years on the streets and you can learn a lot. But all the wrong things, not the things you want to learn. Sixteen years on the streets and you see a lot. But all the wrong sights, not the things you want to see.” - The Outsiders

Put me in the ground Put me six foot down And let the stone say: "Here lies the girl whose only crutch was loving one man just a little too much" If you go before I do I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two.

“You take up for your buddies, no matter what they do. When you're a gang, you stick up for the members. If you don't stick up for them, stick together, make like brothers, it isn't a gang anymore. It's a pack. A snarling, distrustful, bickering park like the Socs in their social clubs or the street gangs in New York or the wolves in the timber.” - The Outsiders

- Germany, I took this pic.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay. - Robert Frost

You know, if there were gangs around like in the old days, I'd be running things, not you. You'd be second lieutenant. You might have gotten by for a while on the Motorcycle Boy's rep, but you have to be smart to run things. You ain't got your brother's brains. It's nothing personal, Rusty James, but nobody would follow you into a fight because you'd get people killed - and nobody wants to be killed.- Rumble Fish

- Germany

Well, it won't be whiskey, won't be meth It'll be your name on my last breath If divorce or death ever do us part the coroner will call it a broken heart.

“I guess I just couldn't see standing there -- alive, talking, thinking, breathing, being -- one second, and dead the next. It really bothered me. Death by violence isn't the same as dying any other way, accident or disease or old age. It just ain't the same.” - That was then, this is now.

Heavy stone right next to mine, we'll be together 'til the end of time. Don't you go before I do, I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two. I told you on the day we wed I was gonna love you 'til I's dead.

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger, I've never known the lovin' of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand, There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever, Who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life.

If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, Sink me in the river at dawn, Send me away with the words of a love song.

Go with peace and love.

Forever young means you. Everything means you. You're birthday is this sunday Feb 3rd. You would have been 21.. I picture us with drinks in our hands talking to each other at a bar saying "man... these past years.. I can't believe we ever made it." Instead, I will be talking to your headstone. You always told me you wanted to marry me and I always dreamed about that day it could have killed me. I pictured you waiting for me as I was walked down the aisle all dressed in white by my father.. I always imagined the look on your face once you saw me and reality hit that we would actually be getting married. I always wondered if you would have smiled and if your eyes would have lit up or if you would have took on running saying " I'm sorry Jaime, you know me darling, I just got to go." I picture what are kids would look like and be like and how you would have been an amazing father. I picture us as newlyweds and just getting the chance to say " This is my husband, my highschool sweetheart." Remember how we used to talk about how we would sit on the porch of a house in rocking chairs looking at our kids with our grandkids and telling them the same story we would have told our kids about how we met. That was our dream.. nothing special.. no big house, no swimming pool, no mansion, no fancy cars... just real unconditonal love. We had that and I miss it. Remember how when we kissed when we were 16 and our lips literally sparked because we were dragging our feet on the carpet.. it shocked us both. How we would run away from class and hide in the woods and just roam around free. Finding waterfalls and rivers and being in the woods.. making rafts out of logs and floating downt he river. Building bridges... climbing high trees and making a fire. I remember everything and I hope I never forget .. how it felt to be around you. How you moved so graciously and how you talked effortesly like I never could. We were both oppoistes yet we attracted. I remember how you chipped your tooth when we were hiding from your stepdad under the cement balcony! You got knocked out and I just couldn't stop laughing! I remember the good times. I also remember the bad times and the pain when you would leave. It was my greatest fear... you disappearing for many nights.. many moons. It's been a year Ry.. and I fear if you were ever real at all. I have photos.. I have my memories.. my thoughts.. my writings. I don't feel your presence anymore. I can't cry anymore. I shut down real good this time and you are no where near to help me stay sane. I fear I have lost complete and utter sanity.

You are the peace that calms my troubled sea.

Sat, 05 May 2012 19:18:30 GMT

I spoke to soon, it seems, for you made a home in my dreams. While I slept you kept running yourself through my head, Like,"I won't be dead yet," I said,"You don't understand. We had no control. They stole it; love's been so unfair to me."But see, boy, that's my point. You must move on." Then felt her ghost move in me. I heard her voice call out my name but this time it faded out- away. "I'll bury it today."

And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs "THE CEREMONY WAS NOT PROPER, THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE, AND WHO PICKED THE MUSIC? THOSE MELODIES ALMOST MADE ME PHYSICALLY SICK."

But you can set sail to the west if you want to and past the horizon till I can't even see you far from here where the beaches are wide just leave my your wake to remember you by.

I live to let you shine.

I will be the rising moon after setting sun just to let you know that you always have someone, I will be the clearest day when the rain is done, so you will always know.

I carry your heart with me; I carry it in my heart. I am never without it.- " I carry your heart" by E.E Cummings

I will never say goodbye to you because if I say goodbye then that's it that's goodbye.

It takes strenth to live and to be firm and it takes courage to be gentle. It takes strength to conquer and it takes courage to surrender. It takes strength to be certain and it takes courage to have doubt. It takes strength to fit in and it takes courage to stand out. It takes strength to feel a friends pain and it takes courage to feel your own pain. It takes strength to endure abuse and it takes courage to stop it. It takes strength to stand alone and it takes courage to lean on another. It takes strength to love and it takes courage to be loved. It takes strength to survive and it takes courage to live.

I hate myself when I'm away from you. I am so sorry. Please don't hate me too.

I'd rather believe in this beautiful lie than admit you're really gone forever. It feels like, if I hold my breath, you'll walk in any second. And tell me, it was all a mistake; can't believe that you left. And it hurts me to hold you this close, but hurts me more to let go. That's why I'm still loving ghosts.

This is not what I intended. I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger; Imay have failed, but I have loved you from the start.

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. - Stephen King

I feel the need to swing away from constant explanations. I want to run away from too much consciousness, too much awareness. At night, I seek dancing, friendships, nature, forgetfulness,music, or sleep.

You constantly look for a sign and when it's given to you and you don't like the answer, you call it a coincidence. There are no coincidences.

My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.

^ This is Alredo Codona and Lillian Leitzel were two of the most famous circus performers in 1930. Their life stories, however, were marred by tragedies related to their work.

Circus in America provides the background:

Codona truly did "fly through the air with the greatest of ease." Every bit as much at home in mid-air as he was with his feet on the ground, he appeared with the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus for twenty years before he retired in 1934 [caused by a devastating injury while performing on a very high wire].

On his trapeze, he was almost continuously in motion, a relaxed and fluid blur of triple somersaults and double pirouette returns that displayed his brilliant perfectionism. It was said that the graceful beauty of his movement and the dreams he inspired often moved the spectators below to tears. The story of his obsessive love for the Queen of the Air, Lillian Leitzel, is a tragic circus legend.

Lillian Leitzel was another aerialist star for the Ringling show...who captured the imagination of her audiences. For the second and more famous half of her act, Leitzel worked on the web, a single length of rope, or corde lisse, high onto which a loop was attached with a swivel.

She inserted her right wrist into the loop and began a series of planges, throwing her whole body over her shoulder for up to 239 revolutions. It was an incredible test of strength and endurance, if not grace.

The drums rolled, and the crowd counted out each one ... Lillian was loved for her grace on the rings and her strength and determination in the web act, a love only magnified by her reputation for childish temper tantrums and her disdain for the many men who chased her. [She had] her own private railroad car equipped with a piano, an unheard-of luxury for a performer. And in Lillian's turn, she came to love more than anything else her work and Alfredo Codona.

They were married on July 20, 1928, but less than three years later, Lillian fell from the web on which she was performing in Denmark and died shortly afterwards. Frank McClosky, the same man who would later become an owner of the Beatty-Cole show, was her rigger at the time. He pointed out how the excessive strain of the planges had caused an invisible crystallization of the metal swivel and resulted in the fall.

Codona was devastated. He remarried two years later [to Vera Bruce], but he would never recover from the loss of his beloved Lillian.

In 1933, while performing a very dangerous high-wire act, Alfredo was also injured. He was forced to retire the following year.

Despondent over his personal situation, Codona committed suicide in Long Beach, California on July 30, 1937. Circus in America provides more information about Codona's last actions:

...on July 31, 1937, he walked into a lawyer's office where he was to discuss a divorce from his second wife. Instead, he pulled out a revolver and shot both her and himself to death.

We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea. I look up to the sky, there mya be nothing there to see. But if I don't believe in him, why would he believe in me?

I wish I could undo everthing I did that made me lose you.

Ryan I read what Kara wrote yesterday and it was truly beautiful. "never thought i'd miss you till you left, never thought i'd need you till you slept. and how badly i wanted to shake you.. anything, just to wake you. family just doesnt mean enough, they pull you through when things get rough. but what happens when we aren't that tough. this mental distortion and permanent grudge, revealing the blind eye that couldnt judge. this is unconditional love."

My heart is still buried with you.

**** book.

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:38:36 GMT

The Summer of 2008, was the summer I grew up.
I am not going to tell you my name, for in reality you wouldnt care. Lets just say im that girl in your class that sits back row in a desk isolated from others. That girl who yelled at you to move out of her way because she had a place to go, a place to belong. My story starts when I was thriteen, the time when everything fell apart. Just moved into a house with a new stepdad and a new town. I was then, the girl who hated everyone and who put up a wall noone could overcome. I have been backstabbed by friends, pushed down stairs, and jumped for money. I turned into a wall that year. People would speak to me, but I wouldn't acknowlege them, couldnt hear them, I was deep within my self. I prayed every night for someone to save me.

I first saw him in science class 9th grade, the one who changed my life forever. He won me over by his smile, his heart, and his courage. He was the joker of the class. We became friends, but he never let me in. He had a wall up, like me, but it wasnt so bad. He was still happy, but the worst thing was him trying to impress his friends. His friends were the reason why he didnt want to be seen with me. Time passed and we grew apart, like everyone else. Then came the summer of Junior year, the year i found myself. Me and ** were always together, like peanut butter and jelly. He always reminded me of a young pony. So graceful, curious, yet brave and sensitive, but strong. We would run threw fields of flowers, forever hand in hand. There would be late night talks and staring at the stars. That summer he really opened up to me and i will never forget it. He would tell me, between cigerattes, his past. Twice I even saw my beautiful boy cry. He grew up not knowing love or affection, yet he could still see summer skys and sunsets. He still could see joy threw pain. He was my hero! My brave knight. That boy even saved my life a few times.
True love is unexplainable, you cant understand it if you never felt it. Its like trying to explain an ocean if you never even seen a puddle. As I weep now for those summer days to come back once more, as I weep for the hand that brushed gently past my face. I fear I will never see the boy I fell in love with again. **** was changing day by day. His mind was tempted by wonders, temptation bursting inside his young heart. And It finally overcame his love for me that day of september 13th. **** would think less and less of me and the love we shared. I was naive then, thinking love could conquer anything. I was wrong.

We would always fight, and I could always see the fire in his eyes flicker. That spirit I saw in him was fading, and I hoped I could save him, like he saved me. He has hidding himself, and numbing **** took over my love's body. In ****place stood a bleak, lifeless, hopeless man. A mere desolate creature. I will never know the true feelings **** has anymore. I will never see his real self again. But I am glad I got to be by his side over the summer, even if it was a short time.
And yet It scares me, the path he is leading, for I know **** will never open up again. I will never have my security.
Then and still now **** is my home. The love, trust, and affection I've held back so long, was found in him. And no matter how he is now, he will always and forever be my other half. The last conversation I will never forget, before he went back into a darkness, blacker than outerspace, was about the hole. The hole, I was stuck in so long ago at age thirteen. The hole that many teenagers never escape from. And the last words off of my boy's lips were " I've been there my whole fucking life".
I am going to be forever wondering what happened to **** **** *******.

Just a little of my writing from 2008. Who would have figured its 2012 now and crazy shit has happened.

Finding you.

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 04:13:07 GMT

What do I do now that you're gone. No back up plan, no second chance and no one else to blame. All I can hear in the silence that remains are the words I couldn't say.

I love you in a way that cripples me. Leaving you behind, you leaving me behind, those are thoughts that leave me reeling with worry. I am the moss that has grown onto a tree, you. I can't exist without you.

The record on the stereo played her favorite song for two whole days, and the track stretched out for miles and miles. What she'd give for one more smile, and how she hoped he missed her, cause God she missed how he would kiss her.

You left your Bible on the dresser so I put it in a drawer because I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore. And when I sit at your piano, I can almost hear the hymns. The keys are collecting dust, but I can't close the lid.

The loneliness of my independence sinks deep into my blood. It rushes through my veins with a fierce, pulsing refrain: you are alone, it whispers, you are all alone.

I whisper your name when I get cold at night, wishing you'd wrap your arms around me and put your feet on mine like you sometimes did. And I know I've been drinking too much, and the drugs you told me never to try don't really keep the same company as they all promised me. They could never take the place of you in my head. In my eart. Nothing ever could. No one ever will.

I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I've memorized your face and the way that you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine.

In my memory, I wrote you down in ink. I never want to erase your story, even with the tragedy it brings.

Then one day, you stopped calling. I figured it was a phase, but then I saw you. You never said hi, but you were high. I could tell that you traded me in for your addiction.

I hate everything you've ever said to me, compliments, insults, everything, why did you have to walk into my life? and if you absolutely had to, why couldn't you have stayed?

If there is anything I have learned in falling in love with you, it's that if we were to ever go our seperate ways and I was married to the 'man of my dreams' if I ever saw you or looked into your deep brown eyes, I'd still remember and feel everything I felt when our love was so alive. What I'm saying is, I will always love you, even if we don't last forever, our love will.

And though I've gone away I still see what you're going through It kills me everyday to know I killed what meant most to you so when you pass my grave leave a rose for what might have been.

Ryan I miss you. Simple as that and as complicated as that. I love you. It's been four months and I still can't believe it. I don't think I will ever believe it. I miss what you used to say, how you moved and walked and gave hugs and talked. I miss everything about you. You were flawless to me. You still are. You are everything to me. Every step I go through life now I will forever take you with me and you will be apart of everything I do here until it is my time to go. I will bring you up everyday.. all of my acomplishments will be because of you. I still feel you around me. You still give me strength. Like I told a friend it feels like your in the same body as me now. lol. Like taking over! I do things you used to do! I say things you used to say. I feel like I think like you sometimes. You were the most amazing man I ever met in my life. I am so GRATEFUL for having the chance to know you. All those years we spent together I never regret it. I still wish I had more time with you, like infinity. I will see you again someday my love. - your fiance

Fight.

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 22:03:22 GMT

Fight the addiction.

There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

People think they know you. They think they know you're handling a situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfeast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know whats going on inside your head- the mind -numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.

I know you guys wil pass me in life. You and all of my friends will go on and get married and have kids and a good job and I'll just be stuck in December 2011. It was taken away from me. Everything. The ghost of a man I once knew. Oh how he haunts me. At every turn, every corner. Looking back and looking forward.

Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars? If along the way you are grown weary you can rest with me until a brighter day and you're OK.

I am no superman. I have no answers for you. I am no hero, oh that's for sure. But I do know one thing. Where you are is where I belong. I do know where you go is where I want to be.

What If I can't be all that you need me to be. We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep. But my addiction it can be such a detriment. Please believe in this my dear, i am more then penitent. What if everything's just the way that it will be. Could it be that I am meant to cause you all of this greif. My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart. And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start.

Memories are killing. So you must not think of certain things, of those that are dear to you, or rather you must think of them, for if you don't there is the danger of finding them, in your mind, little by little.

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back. The less I give the more I get back. Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise. I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you.

When she was just a girl she expected the world but it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy. The wheel breaks the butterfly every tear a waterfall in the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dreams of paradise.

Baby why'd you leave me Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I can't even breathe. It's like I'm looking from a distance. Standing in the background. Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now. This can't be happening to me. This is just a dream.

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt. Then the congregation all stood up and sang The saddest song that she ever heard.

I wanna sleep with you forever and I wanna die in your arms in a cbin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm.

To what day till I see sunrays upon your face I dream of you the way you look the beating of love in your heart your words are like the flowing of a spring, knowing thy love waits for me until eternity's end. Is this poetry or Is this loves sickness engulfing my every being take the heart from you and the blood ceases from me. I see waht you hear. Laying their clutching hands so tight I can feel your heart telling me it will be alright ascension to heaven where this love can not only walk but it runs through endless fields of joy where love neither ends nor begins but flows everlasting this was thy dream this daybreak and will be my prayer that I will rest sleepless till the sun rises on that day and butterflies sing with us as we write love symphony the pages of life fill the story of our love in a time long ago where fairy tales come true and you and I my love will live happily ever after. I love you.

We were high we were low but I promise I will never let you go said I got your back boy.

KONY 2012

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 20:14:36 GMT

If you have not watched this video already and don't know what I'm talking about please watch:

http://youtu.be/Y4MnpzG5Sqc

On April 20th many people will be plastering there home towns or cities with posters of Joesph Kony. If you already do not know Joesph Kony is the leader of the Lords Resistance Army. Kony says that "God is telling him to do these things." Kony takes kids from their homes and makes them shoot their parents. The LRA is a militant group with a syncretic Christian extreme religious ideology. In keeping with the basic beliefs of Christianity, they are known for the extreme atrocities they commit against civilians, including murder, mutilations, rape, and in some accounts even cannibalism. Kony is the number one on the international wanted list for his acts of such violence.

Kony's arrest will save thousands of women and children allowing them to live a normal life without fear of the LRA rebels. The ' United States will not get involved if our National Security or Financial Intrest aren't at stake.' The issue to the U.S goverment is not important enough to get involved. WE want to see something done. WE might be small towns, but we will surelyhelp them in there cause. PEOPLE WILL NOTICE. Help make Joesph Kony known! And stop this pointless hate! WE are the people. And if we make him known and make the goverment see that we know about what is going on and we want to take Kony down. Then they will have to keep the troops in Africa there. And not send them back home. WE are 'the people.' and WE can make changes for the WORLD and for our own country.

This is John Ochola

John Ochola's village was raided by Kony's rebels in 2002, when Ochola was in his early twenties. He managed to avoid being axed to death, unlike 50 other unlucky members of his community. However, the LRA did abduct Ochola and they punished him for trying to escape. He and 35 others were brought into the bush and were taunted. Without warning, John's lips and nose were lopped off. Later, the rebels cut off one ear, then the other. All the while, rebels repeatedly raped and beat the women in the group. In hopes that Ochola might be shot if he disrespected the soldiers, he began insulting them. Instead, the LRA decided to punish this man by chopping off fingers and hands.

The LRA take these kids:

AND TURN THEM INTO THIS:

The boy above looks so SCARED and HOPELESS. This man needs to be STOPPED! WE need to take care of our WORLD and fellow HUMANS. THEST kids are human beings! And there only 12 year olds, they have to shoot their parents and burn down villages and shoot people. THANK GOD we do not have this problem here: BUT It doesn't mean we can't still help!!!! Please just dont sit by and let this happen, we need to take a stand! THESE ARE CHILDREN we are talking about. If this happened in the U.S I would pray people from other countries would come and help stop them!

WE can all agree that this shouldn't be happening cant we? It doesn't matter about our own struggles in the U.S. WE do not have problems like this in the U.S thank god. So we might have people that are homeless and need jobs. BUT the U.S has SAFE SHETLERS. THE U.S has PROGRAMS for those in need. The U.s has SSI checks!

Africa is not LUCKY enough as WE are. ATLEAST we have HOMES and FOOD and CLEAN WATER EVERYDAY. WE have RESTERAUNTS and STORES etc. WE are so lucky that we should put our own problems ASIDE and just help others. It's all we can do, even in times of our own struggle. It's just the RIGHT thing to do.

Fear

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 05:39:54 GMT

Every time I got scared, you were the only one who could comfort me and made me feel safe. And I'm scared right now, but you are still not by my side. It's true I'm scared more easily now then before. Before I had you and I knew if I was to die you would be by my side and if I wasn't to die I knew you would still be there fighting off my fears. But you are gone now and Now I am terrified of e v e r y t h i n g. Being alive is my worst fear but death is my greatest.

You pierce my soul

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 03:03:26 GMT

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said, " I feel as If I have two wolves fighting in my heart; one wolf is the vengeful,angry,violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." the grandson asked him,"Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather anwsered, "The one I feed."

Good manners are an admission that everybody is so tender that they have to be handled with gloves. Now, human respect- you don't call a man a coward or a liar lightly, but if you spend your life sparing people's feelings and feeding their vanity, you get so you can't distinguish what should be respected in them.

Perhaps they are not stars , but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to lets us know they are happy

"I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days."- Victoria Hanley

A brief candle; both ends burning. An endless mile; a bus wheel turning. A friend to share the lonesome times. A handshake and a sip of wine. So say it loud and let it ring. We are all a part of everything. The future, present and past. Fly on bird To Heaven...you're free at last.

I hope all is well in Heaven cause it's all shot to hell down here. I hope that I find you in Heaven cause I'm so lost without you down here, you won't be comming back and i didn't get to say goodbye I really wish... I got to say goodbye.

I thought that I would miss you so, and never find my way. And then I heard the angel say, " They're with you every day." "The sun, the wind, the moon, the stars, will forever be around, reminding you of the love you shared, and the peace they've finally found."

I have buried you every place I've been, you keep ending up in my shaking hands. - atleastwerestillalive

You're a memory from before; please don't let me forget you. You're the wolves at my door. In that moment I realized that something I thought would always be there will die. Like everything else.

God saw you were getting tired and a cure was not meant to be so he put his arms around you and whispered come with me with tearful eyes we watched you as we saw you pass away although we love you deeply we could not make you stay your golden heart stopped beating hard working hands at rest God broke our hearts to prove to us he only takes the best.

Solitude I'm doing fine I dance alone with my head held high oh solitude it's all sublime to swing along the choice is mine to wait while others play delay my love, I'll wait

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdon to know the difference.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"- mumford & sons

If you are in harmony with yourself you may meet a lion without fear because he respects with self-confidence.

There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost.. the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is ... I've always been a fool.

One good thing about total, complete grief is that it humbles a person to such an extent that there is resistance to the voice of that loving, unleashed power that never leaves us.

Please believe that things are good with me and If they're not, they will be soon enough.

And I scratch these words into a black notebook I wrote your name on top I knew you'd never look I tried my best to fight the atmosphere To think the happy thoughts that leave the phone lines clear I see arizona stars from here but Peter Pan is miles away

"He has never liked December. Ever since he had made his first treck through the seemingly endless snow at his grandmother's house so many years ago and heard the wind howling and saw the bare, empty trees. it made him cry, without a reason, and a little of that sadness returned each year to him. It always went away with the spring, but it was a little different tonight. There was a feeling of winter coming to last a million years. There would be no spring."

"If there is no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I will follow you into the dark."

"You are indescribably, my dear. You are like the stars and moon and sun and Jupiter and Mars all merged into one. you are difficult and hard to figure out, like quantum science. But, you.. you are beautiful in every way. it is as if you were made to be beautiful and exquisite like a diamond in the rough and like art and adventure and memories and journeys. You are unpredictable, just like a meteor waiting to strike the earth. You are the universe."

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let all the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride- even though the rest of the earth may disagree- that you still believe this world to be a breathtaking and beautiful place."

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy. I would have won. But I gave you all. But you rip it from your hands and you swear it's all gone. And you rip out all I have just to say that you've won. Well now you won.

I was scared to call your mother for news that you weren't getting better. Well my,what the hell am I supposed to do?And I ran off and ran to something I swore was everything but beautiful I only say that word for you.

For all you single ladies who are in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting for YOUR boaz, don't settle for ANY of his realtives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothingaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and exspecially his thid couzin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz & make sure he respect Youaz.

I'm messed up. I don't know how to fill the moments that we used to spend together, I don't know who to turn to when something important happened. It's funny how losing one person can affect you so much.

I have died everyday waiting for you darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years I love you for a thousand years more and all along I believed I would find you. - christina perry

We had the right love at the wrong time. Guess I always knew inside I wouldn't have you for a long time.

To me it's all about trust and loyalty. I need someone I can trust to be myself with. Someone who won't spill my secrets to another person, even if it's someone who they trust and are close to. I need someone who is loyal. I've had too many people just leave from my life, walk out, just like that. Too many who have replaced me. I need someone who won't simply ditch me for someone else because they're funner, or more open, or belong to another crowd. I need someone I can count on. Because I'd be willing to do all that for someone, and so much more.

"Here I am, sorely transmogrified, as you see, but there's something of me left at the bottom of him still." - Atleastwerestillalive. Ryan, my guardian angel, I thank you for being In my life, you were taken away too soon. You are young forever and you still have my heart buried with you. I love you.*

I am lost without you

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 21:14:57 GMT

Some qoutes are from Atleastwerestillalive. Check out her site, it's awesome you won't regret it. Heres the update:

You can play all day and tell your friends that everythings alright. The truth is your heart collapsed two years ago tonight.

Larger than the moon is my love for you. Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through.The secret of the world is written in the stars. I'm carrying your heart in mine.

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

But you went away, how dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to, ever get over you.

She'll be the first to admit that she's not perfect. Her lifes a wreck, and the only thing holding her up is the hope that it'll get better. She's got some friends that would die for her. And she has friends that would kill her, given the chance. She has the mental stability of a psychiatric patient, and the constant drama that surronds her doesn't help. She's lost all of the people she depended on, whether it be death, or bterayal. Despite everything that has happened to her, the reason she keeps hanging on is the hope that it will all get better.

There isn't a moment of my day that isn't spent wondering whee you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling. Even in the quiet of night, when everything is still and i am nearly asleep, there's a part of me that is still wondering.

I've been thinking about you constantly since I left, wondering why the journey I'm on seemed to have led through you. I know my journey's not over yet, and that life is a winding path, but I can only hope it somehow circles back to the place I belong. That's how I think of it now. I belong with you.

"And you're asking me If I still want you, as If I could stop loving you. As If I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before-- but since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me."

Being with you never felt wrong. It's the one thing I did right. You're the one thing I did right.

Our love was beginning to feel like "forever" love, a love to carry to the grave.

And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.

When people say friendships don't last forever, they never meant us. You're my best friend and probably the only reason I am who I am today. You've shaped my character and become a better, stronger person. Only you know everything, I trust you with my whole life. Be strong, stay beautiful. I love you so much.

I don't care how far you are from me, or how long it's been since we've talked. I don't care how mad I got at you, or how mad you've been at me. You're still what matters most to me, and I'm never going to give that up.

There are two reasons why people don't talk about something. Either it doesn't mean anything to them or it means everything.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or not just exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it to all stop spinning.

There's someone I've been missing I think that they could be The better half of me.

There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

I try to sleep but my eyes are open. I can't think cause my heart is broken. And theres a bottle right next to me,I'll down a few drinks just to take the pain away. I wanna say all the tings I need to say. I won't lie, I'll just tell them honestly. If God can take a friend away from me, then can I say all I want and he won't do anything. My tongue is weak and every time I try to speak I can't say nothing at all.

"So my goal is to just waste away at home. If it was up to me I would never leave this house. Everyone keeps talking about this grieving process. But like I said before, I'm not admitting what happened, it's still not real. And I closed up really bad this time. I never wanna talk again. Can I get a drink?"- me

"You were here one day and gone the next I can not comprehend it. I'm so lost without you, I just need your hug and you!!! Your advice, your goodness, your ability to comfort me and everyone around you. My bestfriend why? What am I to do really?I miss you so much Ryan. I remember your voice and the way you make that sound like your sucking in a breathe when your nervous."- me

I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave.

I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. & when I dream, I'll dream of you. Because it's about you, it's always about you.

You forgot about the house you forgot about the ring I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing. I remember the love right after the fights you can't tell me you don't remember those nights and If I would cry, then you would cry twice To me you are the brightest star under sunlight - lil wayne

I wish you would just show up on my doorstep. Not with anything special, just you. And when I'd open the door you'd smile and while I'm trying to figure out what the hell you're doing here you'd tell me how hard the past months have been, how much you've thought about me, how much you regretted everything. And then you'd take me in to your arms and ask me to forgive you and i would without hesitation. Then you'd grab my face and kiss me the way you used to and everything would be perfect again.

I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere. I am all these things and I am nothing at all. This, my darling, is my life without you. I long for you to show me how to live again. - nicholas sparks

If you fly away tonight

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 03:13:43 GMT

Who knows him as well as I do? Who knows his laugh, his smile, the way he moves & throws his glances? Who knows but I the scent of his clothes, the way he drives, the things he does? The curl of his hair at the back of his neck, the words he uses, his sense of humor. Each of these things I know & cherish as if they were my own. Who else but I could love his taste in shoes, his gestures, his gently curved features.. His smooth skin when he shaves, & his stubble when he doesn`t? Who knows him as well as I do? & who could love him as I do?

And I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams. All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes and every waves drags me to sea. I could stand here for hours, just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?" With a tear in his voice, he said, "Son, that's the question." Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

"I can stop anytime i want to."
famous last words that come back to haunt you.

the days will always be brighter beause he existed.
the nights will always be darker because he's gone.
and no matter what anybody says about grief, and
about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are
certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart
stops beating and the last breath is taken.

I never knew life could be like that. he was
the one thing i followed through with in my
life. the one things i didn't give up on.
I was good at loving him.

I think about you when you're not here.
I do still think about the times we shared.
Love the carnival is comming around again this year.*

favorite*

He's the ink under my skin sometimes I can't tell where I am Where I leave off and he begins.

It feels like Im alone on an Island. I sit on the beach and sink my toes in the sand as I watch a storm form miles and miles out at sea. I think what will this storm do to me. As the inhabitants flee, I place my head on my knee. As I sit and wait whats comming to thee. Its so foggy I can barely breathe. I cant see the storm anymore for I know its upon me. Thunderous hate and lightening strikes greed, I wish you were with me. Yet rays of light seeps threw dark mysterious fright, light flatters my face, gives me hope in fears place. i turn and climb the mountain high, as I picture your beautiful face. Im on top of the world, and what a beautiful veiw, i sit on a log as i watch the storm brew. Yet I have ever searching eyes over the vast ocean blue. Where is my sailor, my savior, my true? - Dedicated to RDH PERSONAL poetry, Please do not take

I spray cologne on your pillow and fall asleep on it pretending its you... * dedicated to Rdh

You could be my compass, teach me how to read these broken lines. Hold me like a lover, we'll find a way to run tonight. Tell me when it's over, promise that you'll always keep me in mind. Burning like a soldier, I'll find my way to you and save the day.

After all how many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating? I'd lived through a lot, but it didn't make me feel strong. Instead, I felt horribly fragile, like one word could shatter me.

" A girl was walking home from school, when she stopped at the alley way she usually took to get home because for some reason she had a bad feeling about it. A man stood in the alley way, staring her down. She was scared, but this was her only way home. But she was all alone. The girl thought to herself ' God is with me. I have faith in him, he'll protect me and keep me safe.' As she walked through the alley way, the man just stared at her. She then continued on her way and got home safe. Later on she found out that the man had kidnapped and raped the girl who walked through the alley only 15 minutes after her. The police brought the girl to identify the man who had stared at her as she walked through the alley. She was brave and asked him,"Why was it that when I walked by you, you didn't rape me? He said, "How could I? You had 2 strong men on either side of you."

God will never abandon you.

One day, the memory of your face will fade into a technicolor swirl, but your voice will still haunt the inside of my car, and those three words- no matter whispered,said or shouted- will still bring me to my knees every single time - Nicholas Lee

And it said, I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate. Oh I don't care how long it takes. And I'll tell Saint Pete I can't come in without my love and my best friend. Oh, this ain't nothing new, sweetheart, I'll wait for you."

And I remember the skin of your fingers, the spot three quarters up I'd always touch when i was out of things to say. You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand. I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear, that not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand.And I remember how you smiled through the smoke In a crowded little coffehouse and laughed at all my jokes. And I remember the way that you dressed and, How we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat. And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing. - La dispute

And I will stand over the grave in which you lay and apologize for not keeping you safe.

You and I will always be unfinished buisness.

Baby, I still can't believe your gone. I know your waiting for me, but It still feels so unrealistic. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I really miss you. You were my bestfriend and the love of my life, my soulmate, my fiance. Randomly I'd remember waking up in the apartment because Mya jumped up and was barking so loud I must have called out your name four times and shook you before you woke up and yelled at Mya. You were such a kind soul and so protective.I remember what It was like to be near you and hug you. I loved your laugh! It was the best music I have ever heard. It was a beautiful sound. The little things we take for granted, like breathing. Ryan, I miss you breathing...