So if the ties that bind ever do come loose tie 'em in a knot like a hangman's noose 'Cause I'll go to heaven or I'll go to hell
before I'll see you with someone else.

The heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on the close; as the sunflower turns on her God when he sets the same look that she turned when he rose.

You build your world around someone, and then what happens when he disappears? Where do you go - into pieces, into atoms, into the arms of another man? You go shopping, you cook dinner, you work odd hours, you make love to someone else on June nights. But you're not really there, you're someplace else where there is blue sky and a road you don't recognize. If you squint your eyes, you think you see him, in the shadows, beyond the trees. You always imagine that you see him, but he's never there. It's only his spirit, that's what's beneath the bed when you kiss your husband, there when you send your daughter off to school. It's in your coffee cup, your bath water, your tears. Unfinished buisness always comes back to haunt you, and a man who swears he'll love you forever isn't finished with you until he's done.

I'll always want him. Until every sun goes dark in every sky, until I am nothing more than long-forgotten cosmic dust, I will want him. And even then I suspect my particles will long for his.

You've left me with such a silent world. The evenings are calm but I'm restless, and my breath has become as thin as the wind. Not even the mighty sky can fill the space you've left behind, not even when it rains.

“Sixteen years on the streets and you can learn a lot. But all the wrong things, not the things you want to learn. Sixteen years on the streets and you see a lot. But all the wrong sights, not the things you want to see.” - The Outsiders

Put me in the ground Put me six foot down And let the stone say: "Here lies the girl whose only crutch was loving one man just a little too much"  If you go before I do I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two.

“You take up for your buddies, no matter what they do. When you're a gang, you stick up for the members. If you don't stick up for them, stick together, make like brothers, it isn't a gang anymore. It's a pack. A snarling, distrustful, bickering park like the Socs in their social clubs or the street gangs in New York or the wolves in the timber.” - The Outsiders

  - Germany, I took this pic.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.      - Robert Frost

You know, if there were gangs around like in the old days, I'd be running things, not you. You'd be second lieutenant. You might have gotten by for a while on the Motorcycle Boy's rep, but you have to be smart to run things. You ain't got your brother's brains. It's nothing personal, Rusty James, but nobody would follow you into a fight because you'd get people killed - and nobody wants to be killed.- Rumble Fish

 - Germany

Well, it won't be whiskey, won't be meth It'll be your name on my last breath If divorce or death ever do us part the coroner will call it a broken heart.

“I guess I just couldn't see standing there -- alive, talking, thinking, breathing, being -- one second, and dead the next. It really bothered me. Death by violence isn't the same as dying any other way, accident or disease or old age. It just ain't the same.” - That was then, this is now.

Heavy stone right next to mine, we'll be together 'til the end of time. Don't you go before I do, I'm gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two. I told you on the day we wed I was gonna love you 'til I's dead.

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger, I've never known the lovin' of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand, There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever, Who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life.

If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, Sink me in the river at dawn, Send me away with the words of a love song.

Go with peace and love.

Forever young means you. Everything means you. You're birthday is this sunday Feb 3rd. You would have been 21.. I picture us with drinks in our hands talking to each other at a bar saying "man... these past years.. I can't believe we ever made it." Instead, I will be talking to your headstone. You always told me you wanted to marry me and I always dreamed about that day it could have killed me. I pictured you waiting for me as I was walked down the aisle all dressed in white by my father.. I always imagined the look on your face once you saw me and reality hit that we would actually be getting married. I always wondered if you would have smiled and if your eyes would have lit up or if you would have took on running saying " I'm sorry Jaime, you know me darling, I just got to go." I picture what are kids would look like and be like and how you would have been an amazing father. I picture us as newlyweds and just getting the chance to say " This is my husband, my highschool sweetheart." Remember how we used to talk about how we would sit on the porch of a house in rocking chairs looking at our kids with our grandkids and telling them the same story we would have told our kids about how we met. That was our dream.. nothing special.. no big house, no swimming pool, no mansion, no fancy cars... just real unconditonal love. We had that and I miss it. Remember how when we kissed when we were 16 and our lips literally sparked because we were dragging our feet on the carpet.. it shocked us both. How we would run away from class and hide in the woods and just roam around free. Finding waterfalls and rivers and being in the woods.. making rafts out of logs and floating downt he river. Building bridges... climbing high trees and making a fire. I remember everything and I hope I never forget .. how it felt to be around you. How you moved so graciously and how you talked effortesly like I never could. We were both oppoistes yet we attracted. I remember how you chipped your tooth when we were hiding from your stepdad under the cement balcony! You got knocked out and I just couldn't stop laughing! I remember the good times. I also remember the bad times and the pain when you would leave. It was my greatest fear... you disappearing for many nights.. many moons. It's been a year Ry.. and I fear if you were ever real at all. I have photos.. I have my memories.. my thoughts.. my writings.  I don't feel your presence anymore. I can't cry anymore. I shut down real good this time and you are no where near to help me stay sane. I fear I have lost complete and utter sanity.

The Summer of 2008, was the summer I grew up.
 I am not going to tell you my name, for in reality you wouldnt care. Lets just say im that girl in your class that sits back row in a desk isolated from others. That girl who yelled at you to move out of her way because she had a place to go, a place to belong. My story starts when I was thriteen, the time when everything fell apart. Just moved into a house with a new stepdad and a new town. I was then, the girl who hated everyone and who put up a wall noone could overcome. I have been backstabbed by friends, pushed down stairs, and jumped for money.  I turned into a wall that year. People would speak to me, but I wouldn't acknowlege them, couldnt hear them, I was deep within my self. I prayed every night for someone to save me. 

 I first saw him in science class 9th grade, the one who changed my life forever. He won me over by his smile,  his heart, and his courage. He was the joker of the class. We became friends, but he never let me in. He had a wall up, like me, but it wasnt so bad. He was still happy, but the worst thing was him trying to impress his friends. His friends were the reason why he didnt want to be seen with me.  Time passed and we grew apart, like everyone else.  Then came the summer of Junior year, the year i found myself. Me and ** were always together, like peanut butter and jelly. He always reminded me of a young pony. So graceful, curious, yet brave and sensitive, but strong. We would run threw fields of flowers, forever hand in hand. There would be late night talks and staring at the stars. That summer he really opened up to me and i will never forget it. He would tell me, between cigerattes, his past. Twice I even saw my beautiful boy cry. He grew up not knowing love or affection, yet he could still see summer skys and sunsets. He still could see joy threw pain. He was my hero! My brave knight. That boy even saved my life a few times.
 True love is unexplainable, you cant understand it if you never felt it. Its like trying to explain an ocean if you never even seen a puddle.  As I weep now for those summer days to come back once more, as I weep for the hand that brushed gently past my face. I fear I will never see the boy I fell in love with again. **** was changing day by day. His mind was tempted by wonders, temptation bursting inside his young heart. And It finally overcame his love for me that day of september 13th. **** would think less and less of me and the love we shared. I was naive then, thinking love could conquer anything. I was wrong. 

         We would always fight, and I could always see the fire in his eyes flicker.  That spirit I saw in him was fading, and I hoped I could save him, like he saved me. He has hidding himself, and numbing **** took over my love's body.   In ****place stood a bleak, lifeless, hopeless man. A mere desolate creature.  I will never know the true feelings **** has anymore. I will never see his real self again. But I am glad I got to be by his side over the summer, even if it was a short time.
And yet  It scares me, the path he is leading, for I know **** will never open up again. I will never have my security.
 Then and still now **** is my home. The love, trust, and affection I've held back so long, was found in him. And no matter how he is now, he will always and forever be my other half.  The last conversation I will never forget, before he went back into a darkness, blacker than outerspace, was about the hole.  The hole, I was stuck in so long ago at age thirteen. The hole that many teenagers never escape from.  And the last words off of my boy's lips were " I've been there my whole fucking life". 
I am going to be forever wondering what happened to **** **** *******.

Just a little of my writing from 2008. Who would have figured its 2012 now and crazy shit has happened.

 Fight the addiction.

There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

People think they know you. They think they know you're handling a situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfeast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know whats going on inside your head- the mind -numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.

I know you guys wil pass me in life. You and all of my friends will go on and get married and have kids and a good job and I'll just be stuck in December 2011. It was taken away from me. Everything. The ghost of a man I once knew. Oh how he haunts me. At every turn, every corner. Looking back and looking forward.

Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars? If along the way you are grown weary you can rest with me until a brighter day and you're OK.

I am no superman. I have no answers for you. I am no hero, oh that's for sure. But I do know one thing. Where you are is where I belong. I do know where you go is where I want to be.

What If I can't be all that you need me to be. We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep. But my addiction it can be such a detriment. Please believe in this my dear, i am more then penitent. What if everything's just the way that it will be. Could it be that I am meant to cause you all of this greif. My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart. And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start.

Memories are killing. So you must not think of certain things, of those that are dear to you, or rather you must think of them, for if you don't there is the danger of finding  them, in your mind, little by little.

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back. The less I give the more I get back. Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise. I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you.

When she was just a girl she expected the world but it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy. The wheel breaks the butterfly every tear a waterfall in the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes in the night the stormy night away she'd fly and dreams of paradise.

Baby why'd you leave me Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I can't even breathe. It's like I'm looking from a distance. Standing in the background. Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now. This can't be happening to me. This is just a dream. 

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt. Then the congregation all stood up and sang The saddest song that she ever heard.  

I wanna sleep with you forever and I wanna die in your arms in a cbin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm.

To what day till I see sunrays upon your face I dream of you the way you look the beating of love in your heart your words are like the flowing of a spring, knowing thy love waits for me until eternity's end. Is this poetry or Is this loves sickness engulfing my every being take the heart from you and the blood ceases from me. I see waht you hear. Laying their clutching hands so tight I can feel your heart telling me it will be alright ascension to heaven where this love can not only walk but it runs through endless fields of joy where love neither ends nor begins but flows everlasting this was thy dream this daybreak and will be my prayer that I will rest sleepless till the sun rises on that day and butterflies sing with us as we write love symphony the pages of life fill the story of our love in a time long ago where fairy tales come true and you and I my love will live happily ever after. I love you. 

We were high we were low but I promise I will never let you go said I got your back boy.